Written by Liss and Ellinor (and very definitely NOT their characters), with help from the GEF 2015 set-up crew
Performed by Almost Almost Faemous in the 1115 Entertainer’s Competition, taking 3rd place
To the tune of Victoria Wood’s Ballad of Barry & Freda
Faith and Stavros sat one night.
The sky was clear, the stars were bright,
The moon was up, the wind was free.
Faith knocked back her G&T.
She licked her lips, she felt sublime.
She closed her tin of armour shine.
Stavros quaked in fear and dread
As Faith took hold his coat and said…
“Let’s do it, let’s do it,
Do it while the mood is right.
I’m feeling appealing,
I’ve really got an appetite.
I’m on fire with desire,
Could handle all the men the Cream Tease have for hire.
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight.”
And he said:
“I can’t do it, I can’t do it.
The ritual circle’s closed, my dear.
I can’t do it, can’t do it,
You know I need a Watcher near.
I’m working, (I’m shirking),
I totally forgot to hand my paperwork in.
I can’t do it, can’t do it tonight.”
And she said:
“Let’s do it, let’s do it,
The only man I want is you.
There’s wine now, we’ve time now –
You know it’s nearly ten to two.
Abandon caution, try contortion,
Leave your facepaint printed on my upper portion.
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight.”
And he said:
“I can’t do it, I can’t do it.
I’m wrapped up in this toilet roll.
Hobnobbing with goblins,
That kind of party takes it’s toll.
I can’t swagger, just stagger.
The only girl I care about is Baba Yaga.
I can’t do it, can’t do it tonight.”
And she said:
“Let’s do it, let’s do it,
The Jugga Club tent is free.
Seduce me, abuse me
Underneath the murder tree.
Go mental, not gentle,
I want you to remind me I’m an elemental.
So let’s do it, let’s do it tonight.”
And he said:
“I can’t do it, I can’t do it,
I’ve got to see where Gunther’s gone.
He’s roaming, diploming,
Just think of all that could go wrong.
Don’t sass me or harass me.
I’ve got to walk in circles now and shout Urasni.
I can’t do it, can’t do it tonight.”
And she said:
“Let’s do it, let’s do it,
Whilst we’re both young and free.
I’m willing, I’m thrilling,
Don’t have to use control on me.
I need drama, not calmer,
Open up the gusset on my fortress armour.
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight.”
And he said:
“I can’t do it, I can’t do it,
I know I’d only get it wrong.
I’m older, feel colder,
It’s other things that turn me on.
I’m boring, imploring,
Aeneas sent me this report on who we’re warring,
So I can’t do it, can’t do it tonight.”
And she said:
“Let’s do it, let’s do it,
I want a proper wedding night.
Not hurried, not worried,
Not interrupted by a fight.
Get dirty, call me Bertie,
I’ve seen the way you look at him, you get real flirty,
So let’s do it, let’s do it tonight!”